It wouldn't matter if you are Jesus Christ himself, you are not getting into the bar tonight
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.
they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Need to spend sober time with him while fully clothed. I can't decide if he's a seriously amazing man or a complete fucking dickbag.
This is me not judging you for what a fine line you draw between the two.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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