i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
I'm passing your future prison.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
Last night was a whirlwind of vodka - induced emotion
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
Randomize
