I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
grad school is all the worst parts of undergrad, without the binge drinking and bad decisions to make up for it
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I've ID'd the nipple biter.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
Your cock deserves a montage
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
I appreciate that you take the time to fix your typos even while masturbating
Sorry about my life...
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
