i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"
I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
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Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?
He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...
We're trying to leave but amy's hitting on the guy who mans the nacho cart
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
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At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
Yes, one may refer to me as that.
I should make business cards.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
She showed up after 3 hours and proceded to make us all feel like resonable human beings. I dont know how she did it but she did it.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s