Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
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I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
Passing out is just my bodies way of protecting my liver.
It's like you're the one guy who got the "girls have clits" memo.
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
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Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I got so high that I ate a protein bar while in the shower. I then proceeded to leave half the protein bar and the wrapper on the ledge in my shower. Haha oh well.
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude