Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(512): View more from Texas

You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?

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(512): You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that? http://tfl.nu/amhf

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(742): View more from

What happened last night?

(1-742): View more from

You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.

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(742): What happened last night? (1-742): You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth. http://tfl.nu/koqa

Replies (5) Good night (953) Bad night (4966)
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(269): View more from Michigan

Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.

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(269): Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving. http://tfl.nu/awvb

Replies (8) Good night (3070) Bad night (942)
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(850): View more from Florida

you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.

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(850): you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster. http://tfl.nu/wnb4

Replies (25) Good night (7610) Bad night (951)
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(914): View more from New York

Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right

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(914): Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right http://tfl.nu/mx4p

Replies (18) Good night (1734) Bad night (4108)
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god

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(814): When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god http://tfl.nu/yzjp

Replies (3) Good night (1862) Bad night (769)
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(330): View more from Ohio

Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.

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(330): Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette. http://tfl.nu/sax7

Replies (7) Good night (794) Bad night (2574)
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(520): View more from Arizona

She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.

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(520): She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers. http://tfl.nu/zf1p

Replies (12) Good night (2096) Bad night (708)
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(410): View more from Maryland

I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.

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(410): I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man. http://tfl.nu/n99f

Replies (2) Good night (431) Bad night (669)
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(810): View more from Michigan

In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way

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(810): In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way http://tfl.nu/x340

Replies (2) Good night (520) Bad night (421)
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(720): View more from Colorado

How did work go after you told them you were in jail?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Great they tried to bail me out.

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(720): How did work go after you told them you were in jail? (402): Great they tried to bail me out. http://tfl.nu/vh27

Replies (2) Good night (993) Bad night (298)
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(248): View more from Michigan

I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"

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(248): I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring" http://tfl.nu/0ibn

Replies (3) Good night (892) Bad night (383)
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(289): View more from Ontario

Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon.

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(289): Your exhaustion is probably due to your rampant sexual urges and the fact that you live the same life as a raccoon. http://tfl.nu/zzea

Replies (1) Good night (798) Bad night (368)
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(720): View more from Colorado

I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.

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(720): I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left. http://tfl.nu/nrse

Replies (9) Good night (570) Bad night (740)
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(519): View more from Ontario

Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?

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(519): Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right? http://tfl.nu/50mu

Replies (6) Good night (615) Bad night (243)

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