Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
she called my cock the "semen sword" and then we invented a position called excalibur
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
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Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
These 19 People Imagine Others When Banging Their SO
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi