He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
Don't be too mad at the guy who broke your kitchen table. Didn't get his name, but he knew all about your gay porn career. Like DETAILS...
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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