y did u give ur computer a hand job?
we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"
i dont care about people's attitudes as long as they give me head
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
So I may have to sleep with a cougar to get a slightly used, yet free microwave. I'm going in
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
