gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch
Good. We don't answer calls at dick thirty.
My mom sucked on that joint like a nipple and she was a fucking newborn
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Nothing kills the mood like him going to slap my ass and he hits his balls at the same time
I SWEAR TO ALL THAT IS HOLY I HAVE NEVER WIPED MY GENITALIA ON ANY TYPE OF EMERGENCY RESPONSE VEHICLE!!
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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