Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
My parents get here at 6 so I have to make it look like a sober virgin lives in my room by 5.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
I asked him if we could have sex sometime and he sent me a three page long text about his feelings for me. that's the only possible situation I've ever run into where a "k" response would have been more appropriate.
Stacy lit a fart and burn half of the couch down before we can put the Flames out. Bring your truck.
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