I murdered the dance floor call the cops
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
porn star on stage now. Get unkicked out.
South Carolina's governor once cited "moral legitimacy" when he was a congressman voting for President Bill Clinton's impeachment. Karma is a bitch.
I just opened a gallon of milk that is good through the 10th of January- I hope I can say the same for myself.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
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