drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
my shit smells like andre
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
Im sorry i offered the man at mcdonalds your hand in marriage in exchange for some french fries
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
They were playing some sort of fast food scavenger hunt game as an ice breaker. Some chick stamped a Starbucks logo on my hand and told me to go find the girl with the matching stamp and fill her with cream.
Dave had an Arby’s stamp and some sorority girl grabbed him and screamed “I’ve have the meat!”\n
Randomize
