i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
Must be January. Theres a fat chick on an elliptical wearing khaki capris. Someone doesnt own any workout clothes
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
I woke up using a beer can as a pillow. successful party?
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
