Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.
closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
Wait do we still get bagels if no one got laid
I know it doesn't seem right, but sometimes, bagels are just flat out called for.
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I threw up all of my purple drank and thats really important
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
