So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"
I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.
your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
He had bigger boobs than me last night and we both weren't wearing a bra so it was a fair judgement
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
He put those pics of him with those girls on facebook and tagged his wife in them
Tequila 1 marriage 0
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
