i wish every aspect of life was like a bar. flirt with the cute guy two feet across from you and get whatever you want for free
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?
I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
Let's buy some Wrangler jeans and be real live men.
I miss forts and drugs that made me believe in unicorns...
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
People who don't like drugs and guac are not people I chose to associate with
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
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