i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night
I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
"YOU ALWAYS BEEN A HOE YOU ALWAYS GONE BE A HOE. THAT'S JUST THE WAY IT'S GONE BE." overheard at temple
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
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