hey got me stoned for the first time when i was 14. there is no bond stronger
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
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