Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
She was eating whipped cream out of a plunger at 3 am in the morning. Yet somehow she still had an elegance about her.
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
There's jello in my purse I have a mysterious glow stick and didn't sleep with anyone my god I'm 3 for 3 tonight
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
Shes yelled my World of Warcraft name when we were having sex, I think marriage is next.
The shitshow that was last night is the gift that just keeps on giving
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
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