It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
I think I just got propositioned for sex by the lady behind the counter at dunkin donuts
Sometimes I feel like I should become a beautician purely for my ability to shave pretty shapes into my pubic hair.
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
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