I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.
Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
Plus my parents would be pissed if I spent Thanksgiving in jail... again.
Randomize
