So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
I got her a Nickelback box set.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
He licked my mouth. I felt like I was making out with my dog.
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
we're tipping the strippers with chocolate coins.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
