You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.
My afternoon will now be spent googling genital warts. I think my life is over.
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Min and u sung xhionubjs. Cause that's what u kiij like a xhionunk
Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
Also this is super embarrassing but sorry for licking your chest
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
Why is the turtle in the toilet again?
Well as I was puking in the tub I put him in there to keep me company but I am almost positive the original setup was him in the tub and me next to the toilet...I hope he likes tequila
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