I never doubt that you might be drinking at any moment.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
Just fucked up my mustache shaving, gonna have to take it off because now it makes me look like a pedophile
FYI your old mustache made you look like a pedophile
I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
Randomize
