Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Blow job season was short but glorious.
I still feel like a bad person. A shoulder to cry on became a dick to suck.
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.