2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
Okay you're seriously so fucking annoying its like having a baby
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
HE WAS DRESSED LIKE A FISHERMAN AND HE WAS LIKE OH SHIT I THINK I JUST FOUND THE DEADLIEST CATCH i couldnt not go for it my honour compelled me
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
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