i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
The cops walked in and cracked up bec he was passed out on the couch in a pink tutu.
Say what you will, but only I can throw up on someone's door and make it look like art.
That's the last time I'm letting you drink that apple vodka
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
All I know is that I got to have an orgasm yesterday during sex so nobody can put a damper on my day, NOBODYYYYYY
He was gone for 5 minutes, opened the car door and said, "Don't eat my shit." and dropped Chipotle on the passenger seat. He was gone for another 10 minutes and came back with Coldstone. That stoned.
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
I’m on my third beer doing poppers in the shower to no doubt
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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