Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.
No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?
did you hook up at the wedding?
No but I jerked off on the hotel sheets. I wanted to get my moneys worth.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful
We turned everything surrounding BP and the oil leak into a "that's what she said" drinking game. We've been drunk for a month
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
My car has a permanent smell of sex to it now.
The people around me on the bus dont know im wearing glowsticks under my clothes. I feel like a super hero.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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