Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Chose not to courtesy flush and the CEO huffed the result. I feel powerful.
So the next time I call you and say I'm going to my first strip club because it's christmas eve eve, and have work the next morning, I'd appreciate you stopping me
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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