Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
There arew tilmes ina man's life when christmaas. THerew are times in a man's lfie when drunk texts from a bathrom hyufgirto. So, you know, merry chriastmans.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
HAPPY AIDS-LESS FOURTH OF JULY YOU HEALTHY FUCK
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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