A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
Yah at one point i was listening to metallica and doing pushups last night. I went thru alot of emotions.
I mean thanks for the bj but i wanna forget everything that happened last night between 11 and 5
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but a penn state hat. We are....
You made the lady who made your cheeseburger sign the box so that when she got famous you would have her autograph.
Randomize
