ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.
I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
Randomize
