I just realized i haven't had sex in 2009. oh man thats embarrassing.
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
Also, nothing screams "don't talk to me because I'm unstable" like walking around eating cookie dough out of the package.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
Just put on slippers before underwear so you know where my priorities are
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
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