i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
She clicked her fingers, said "here boy!", and pointed at her vagina.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
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