Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
For the record you're an amazing lay and you have great taste in breakfast sandwiches
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
Dude, he turned on “London Bridge” by Fergie and GAVE ME A LAP DANCE.
ever feel bored AND lazy?
I call it "awake" but yeah...
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
Randomize
