I'd wear matching sweaters with you
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
I'm literally 40 minutes from where I was supposed to stay. I woke up in a parking lot.
Sooo a reasonable response to someone eating my lunch is to set the place on fire right?
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
Randomize
