I'm 3 blocks south of you watching drag queens.
happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
im that hungover where parking at red lights has to be done
They took my balls.
She dresses like Bruce Banner and fucks like the Hulk. She is all of my lesbian fantasies come true.
See if shell let you call her dr banner in bed
But on the plus side, what he lacked in size he made up for with speed. And grunting.
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
"Don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor, don't bang the neighbor..." he chanted helplessly
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
I woke up with leftover chocolate syrup on my nipples. WTF happened last night??
Randomize
