i always forget guys have bellybuttons
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
I hooked up with the sexiest couple in the LAX BATHROOM IN THE CHANGING FAMILY ROOM HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAA
Next time we do shrooms i am finding an open field at sunrise and running through it and nobody is stopping me this time!
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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