i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
Me and this 7 year old almost finished a large pizza. And when I say me and this 7 year old I really mean me.
I have no idea how but i got a hold of a blue food dye packet. And proceeded to rub it all over my tits. So yeah i'd say its safe to say i'll be known as smurfette for a while
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
We laughed, we cried, we fucked, we shirked our familial and work related responsibilities. They could make a movie about the last 40 hours of our lives.
Randomize
