I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Randomize
