He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
she is using a fork to eat popcorn and refuses to drink gatorade out of anything but a margarita glass... did i mention the popcorn is on a plate?
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
we can fight about whose fault it is later....naked.
Just your daily reminder that we're terrible people: the average number of men a woman sleeps with in their lifetime is 4
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
Cant get off the floor. Need more beer. Send help.
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
Randomize
