I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
I think I breastfed the cat at some point during the night, at least that's what my nipples are saying
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
I was thinking more like a "sorry you can hear us, but I'm having the best sex of my life" cake
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Still not over the fact that we prayed to Jesus to help us win beer pong
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
Randomize
