just saw a girl come out of the tanning bed room on crutches, now thats determination
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
Ikeep having to ask jim if I'm actually talking. I canmt feel my body...this is what Christmas is all about
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
Woman Using Lunch Break To Find Another Job Gets Hilariously Snitched On By The Local News
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
I shall welcome him into my body with an open liver and completely lay down all chance of resistance. Sweet Zeus, please take me to Mt. Olympus and share all that is divine. I promise, the secrets will be safe with me
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
I just set a reminder on my phone to get star spangled hammered this weekend.
28 ‘Thanks For Coming To My Ted Talk Tweets’ Funnier And More Informative Than An Actual Ted Talk
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
