One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
Nutrition teacher wants anything i eat or drink documented for the week including dancefestopia. Do you know the recommended daily ammount of psylicybin or MDMA?
Yes but funny for a 45 year old hell bent on reliving her college days by giving body shots and hand jobs. Not necessarily in that order
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
He flipped me around so that we could have sex and both watch Die Hard... I think I found my sole mate. Merry Christmas to me!!🎄
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
Randomize
