Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
Well hello freshman 15, didn't see you there until I tried on last years summer clothes.
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
I was just laying in bed wondering if there's more important things in life than cheese stuffed pretzels.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
You opened the door to your apartment and shrieked "THE CHAIR IS GONE!" then punted a bag of votive candles
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
You were so drunk Last night you asked for your glasses so you could read the directions on a band aid
i'm not sure what you are doing right now, but i know that i don't like it. whatever you are doing. just stop. come here so we can fuck
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