proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Did you bedazzle the elevator?
Which is worse rug burn on your nipples or laying there after wondering how long you have to cuddle before you can sneak away?
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Walking towards a police car with full spotlights on you while being fully erect..awkward exp. for both parties
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Hey I didn't mean to come across like I was judging you about your liberal sexual choices. I would like details of your threesome if you need to talk about it!
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
Randomize
