I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
Well I'm glad to hear the fight wasnt over his small dick.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
I'd be surprised if he had a problem with boundaries after helicoptering his penis in front of you
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
I saw seagulls fucking earlier today. What have you done with your life recently?
I don't know if the puke on my pants is mine or not
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
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