i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
I'm sweating so much right now i look like Whitney Houston
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
Actually, you don't want to see me.. reached an all time low drinking kahlua out of the bottle concealed in a macdonalds bag
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
They live across the street from a school baseball field so they have porter potties across the street and let's just say that I'm grateful they exist
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
there were rolls with just one bite out of each one leading to the bedroom. you were laying on the bed naked and yelled 'you did it you followed the bread crumbs!'
Randomize
