so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
I just put a condom on my dildo so i wouldng get another uti....most depresIng moment of.my LIFE
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
is it sad that whenever i need to spell "independent" i still sing that one rap song?
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
Apparently I used ziplock bags to smuggle my drink out with. By pouring it in one, then cut the corner like it was an icing bag later that night. What is wrong with me?
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I no longer exist. I have transformed into a puddle of sex.
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
