If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Last night did I take a piece of pizza out of your hand and then proceed to eat it?
Twice...
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.
Who is this?!????
That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.
Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"
Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.
Still. Make it happen
so it took us like 45 minutes to get into the party.... then when we wanted to leave we were blocked and forced to stay.
....you got kicked INTO a party??
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
Randomize
