i don't like sucking hair
That's intense
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
that's why i date skinny girls, they don't realize how small it is.
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
do we own a ladder
We do not.
then how am i on the roof
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
After all this I still can't spell gonorrhoea without autocorrect
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
I had a threesome last night with my fiance' and our soon to be best man. Everyone is surprisingly chill about it this morning. Is this any indication of what the wedding night will be like?
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
My boyfriend's mom is the manager of Wendy's. The same one I took a pregnancy test in.
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