So I'm driving and this guy next to me at the stop light is reving his engine and honking at me. Motherfucker thinks that's because I'm asian and drive a honda I'm automatically going to race him
I checked for jungle juice on Weight Watchers. they didn't have it.
she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
Strangers are buying me shots and I got hit on by lesbians. How is it only tuesday
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Accidentally texted co-worker instead of bf “I’m wfh tomrw. Nooner? 💦”
Every time I look at him 'Relax' by Frankie Goes to Hollywood plays in my head. Is that weird?
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