the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.
And you didn't burst into flames?
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
At least I cut out the pieces of your hair where I braided gum into it last night. Thank me later.
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Only you would get a side of potential vagina with your sandwich
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
my bed is a shrine, and I am its goddess.
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
Randomize
