Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.
I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
Yes I am wallowing. There is a significant lack of cookie dough
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
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