$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
I will sleep with anyone I have to to make sure you don't get deported
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
Randomize
