I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
Why am I drunk on a roof painting at 11 in the morning
I took it to a new level. I'm procrastinating taking my adderall. Hate finals week.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
He was dressed in a pink dressing gown feeding people ketamine from a plastic sword he called Excalibur. how was your Monday?
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
You kept sayin "its alright, I'm pre-med" to everything we said. EVERYTHING.
Randomize
