She is in my trunk
How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
She told me she wanted to wax my ass. I'm terrified and oddly aroused.
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She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
Wrestling for my wallet turned into us almost having sex in the middle of the hallway
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
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I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?
If you can't seal the deal with her, I will. And you know I'll be successful. So there's your incentive
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
I NEED TO TAKE A FUCKING BREAK. MY VAGINA IS SMOKING.
This is my second month of college and all I've learned is how to get a guy to go down on me without asking out loud and not to chase everclear with Smirnoff ice.
Essential life skills
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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