Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
Everything tastes like hotdogs and shame.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I came in and she was laying on the ground just stoking it saying "the floor is where our feet step"
I'm taking a leave of absence and sending myself to fat camp. I'll let you know when I'm out.
I just had sex with the male version of myself. looks, mindset, even our boob to dick ratio was the same
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
Randomize
