Soo i just shotgunned a water balloon...
Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
I just...no. You make my soul cry. You are giving me karma-cancer. This torture of my majesticness can no longer be tolerated.
I'm drinking and working out! I'm bench pressing the beer pong table and doing push ups and lifting the chair.
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
It's fun yes. But hard on the body. I woke up with her purse, socks and one of her shoes in my room. The other shoe was outside. What the fuck were we doing last night?
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
Randomize
