After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I found all these half eaten mandarin orange on the ground and the bruises on my neck are definetely not hickies
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
where will you be at 9:30 tonight?
piledriving you in your roommate's bed?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Can you masturbate to someone liking your instagram picture?
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
