y did u give ur computer a hand job?
i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Are you alive?
I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
I sent my brother over to my ex's to get the rest of my stuff. He comes back SEVEN HOURS LATER, high as fuck without my shit! No loyalty.
Randomize
