She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Is it weird that out of everything, Im most worried about chipping a tooth on his prince albert?
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I WANNA... wait, will you kinkshame me?
Nah.
I WANNA KNOW WHAT HE SMELLS LIKE
Randomize
