I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess
is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?
in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
I felt guilty, it was so good!
Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.
btw, whatever u do, dont try and take that towel away from her..i tried, it got ugly..she said some things im sure she regrets.
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
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