I'm in love with you.
huh?
Don't be nervous. I'm just saying - if you had a dick, I'd suck it.
He seems like he has feelings, which is completely unacceptable; esp for a boy in college.
He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...
I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".
thanks for paying me in special brownies...but brownies dont pay the rent...anymore.
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
He wanted to drink hypnotic from my butt crack. I need to move out this state.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I have what looks like a rubber stamp mark on my cock from last night that says "Magic Marla Approved" Do we know a Marla?
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I think my penis runs off weed. I haven't smoked it 3 days and I have no sex drive what so ever
Plus my fingers were hella swollen from eating all these cured meats so it was like I was given it to her with Hulk Hands on
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Randomize
