dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.
finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
my drivers license is super glued to my shoulder and im to hung over to get it off come and help me
I'm like the big dick whisperer.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Never drinking before a 6am train again. Just threw up at boarder control and had to pretend it was cause I was pregnant and not cause I trashed.
You make Europe seem so glamorous.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
